census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
