I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
