I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
