Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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