Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
