who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Randomize
