The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Randomize
