Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Randomize
