Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Randomize
