If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
