Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Did you just see the Batmobile???
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I'm too high and old for this...
Randomize
