was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
