i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
