I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
