My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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