my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Randomize
