I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
