You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Randomize
