I'm going to jail i love you
Sacagawea was the original milf.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
