OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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