my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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