I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Randomize
