Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
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