I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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