I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
