he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
