dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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