Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
