Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
