Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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