I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
