There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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