So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
