my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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