Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
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