just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Randomize
