the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
