Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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