I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Randomize
