2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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