I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
