So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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