Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I currently don't understand fingers.
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