I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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