I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Randomize
