Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
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