Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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