My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
