She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
