Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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