Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Damn victory sex feels great
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Randomize
