I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Terrible idea I love it
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Randomize
